Free

I realized yesterday that I had done it. I finished. My boys were both graduated from high school and even if I died on the spot, they had all the tools that I wanted them to have so long ago to make it. Whether they do or not is up to them. Even if I wanted to predict/manipulate that, I couldn't. The weird thing was, I had that same terrifying vision so very long ago in the same place although not the same time. I had brought M and C to Destin by myself. I was still drinking at the time so that was prior to Thanksgiving, 2001. And I KNEW that my job -- my calling, if I might be so bold, was to ensure that these two made it and made it okay. I thought of all the things that I felt they had to know -- how to use money, the value of a good companion, how to be friends with your brother, how to eat, how to work hard, how to find enjoyment. How to be reasonably clean in your home, your self, your clothing. How to stake out your position in life but still listen and enjoy the opinions of others. And I was afraid. Afraid I would die before this happened and would leave the care of these two to D. Afraid that I would not be up to the task. Afraid that they would not make it. And I have skated so close to the edge with both of them. I have felt that I would lose one or both of them at any given time due to lack of attention, planning, finances, my own selfishness. But I have done it and now I am looking for the next chapter of my life. So, what is that to be? What will I do with my time, energy and talent? Here are a couple of thoughts: I do not want to be the pusher/prodder of M & C. I do want to be the pusher/prodder of myself. I do not want to be the enabler of M & C. I do want to equip myself for this next phase. I want to be strong and fit in body. I want to explore new ideas. I want to grow intellectually. I want to learn new ways to express myself. And so, my new life is a Nest phase as well. Except the nestling is me.